The wild wild woods
by UtopiousEternity
Summary: Grandad is fed up with his grandsons staying inside all the time. So he, and Tom plan a camping trip, and they bring Huey, Riley, and Jazmine. But the situation becomes insane, when a simple road trip escalates into a crazy adventure! (Chapter four is coming up)
1. Chapter 1

"Hey what's up! It's your boy Shay Dee, welcome back to Holla back!"

The t.v show host did an enthusiastic recap of last week's segment. The interviews of the rappers were getting drowned out from the online videos, the electric fans, the playstation, and the radio. So naturally Riley had to turn the volume up. Causing the speakers to shake everything on the shelves.

His cornrows flew behind his head, while the fan was directed at his face.

"Hah hah! Now this is the way a nigga was born to live!"

Grandad walked downstairs, angry. "Boys! What did I tell you 'bout..." He gasped.

The fans were on, the t.v was far too loud, the lights were on in the kitchen, the radio was on full volume. Riley was playing video games like a madman, while Huey was sitting on the couch with the newspaper in his hands, and earplugs in his ears.

This...was...a...fucking...disaster.

"That's it!" Grandad shouted. He pulled the plug for the t.v, switched off the fans, and radio, and he swiped Riley's 'danm voodoo bullshit' from him in one motion.

"Hey man! I was using that!"

"Yes was. Passed tense." Grandad said, calmly.

"Man, that a'int fair!" RIley whined.

"Danm it boy, I am sick of your bullshit! All you do is sit on your lazy ass, watch t.v, use up my electrcity, fuck up my house, and breathe my air! You like playing games so much? Well how 'bout you play the game 'shut the fuck up and do something constructive for once!' Now go outside, and get some fresh air, before I tan your black narrow behind, and make a new leather seat!"

Riley mumbled, and walked outside. He sat on the emerald lawn, and felt displeased with the exteriour air. Grandad directed his attention to Huey. "And that goes for you too, boy!" Grandad alked away.

Huey waited for Grandad to leave, and he sighed.

"I just don't understand these two. Here they are with such nice weather outside, and they got to be in my house all the danm time." Grandad told Tom, and Uncle Ruckus. The three were down in the Freeman basement, playing cards.

"I agree with you, Robert. Them two lil' niggas should be accustomed to the great outdoors. Considering they be monkeys, and what not. You should drive them off to a forest somewhere, drive away, and hope for their worst." Uncle Ruckus replied.

"Looks like these two need some balance." Tom said.

"They do! And if they were outside more, I could have some time to myself." Grandad said,

"They should've seen when we were kids. We would go outside, and have fun. See the sunlight for once in the day." He continued.

"Maybe we should show them what it was like." Tom replied.

"How we going to do that?" Grandad asked.

"How about we take our kids out camping. I know a nice spot where I take Jazmine. Come on, it'll be fun, what do you say?"

Grandad thought about it. "Well, I suppose we could give it a try."

"You two monkeys are just begging to go back to the outdoors, ain't ya? As they say, you can take a monkey out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the monkey! But in you niggas's case, y'all are going back in. Ha ha! Niggas." Ruckus drawled.

Tom, and Grandad looked at Ruckus, momentarily. Tom spoke. "It's just by Lake Novo. I'll check again for more details."

"Sounds like a plan." Grandad said.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days later, Grandad was putting the suitcases in the trunk.

RIley and Huey were standing outside of the car. RIley hated the idea of having to leave his belongings.

"Oh! Come on Grandad! Let me just bring somethin'."

"That's the whole point of the trip, boy. To get you to appreciate Mother Nature."

"Mother nature is a bitch!"

"You do not speak of her that way!"

"Man, this some bullshit." Riley said, and he got into the car.

Huey looked up at his Grandad. "You know, you can't use technology on this trip either right?"

"I still can. I don't have the problem."

"Grandad, on average, you stay inside 12 hours out of the day. Which you typically spend either watching T.V or on Facebook."

"This isn't about my problems. It's about solving your obsession with technology by going out of town for a week."

"And we have to drive three hours, and spend money on food, and gas to do that?" Huey asked.

Grandad stared at him. "Shut yo ass, and get in the car."

Meanwhile outside of the DuBois' house.

"Sarah, are you sure you don't want to go? It could be fun, we might see a deer...or a moose burger!"

"Tom, I've already spent my vacation days. Besides, you should spend some quality time with Jazmine."

Tom nodded. "You're right."

"I'm ready to go, daddy." Jazmine said.

"Alright, honey. Let's go."

Jazmine hugged her mom. "Bye mommy."

"Goodbye, sweetheart." Sarah kneeled down. "I'll see you in a week, okay?"

"Okay."

Jazmine skipped down the steps.

"See you, sweetheart." Tom tried to kiss his wife, she got a call on her cellphone. She moved from Tom.

"Hello...oh hi Tim. Yeah, okay." During the conversation, Sarah flashed an impatient farewell gesture at Tom. He sighed, and walked towards the Freeman's house.

"Hi, Huey. Hi Riley!" Jazmine said,excitedly. The 10 year old beamed. She got in the backseat, and sat next to Huey.

"Hey, Jazmine." Huey said.

"I go to Point Nomanballz at least for a week in the summer every year!" Jazmine said.

RIley peered over Huey too see Jazmine. "Did you say this place is called 'No-man-ballz?'"

"Yep. It was established by Herman Vaughn..."

"I don't need the PBS special, Ms, Wikipedia page. I just wanted you to clarify." Riley said.

"RIley you do know that PBS..." Huey said.

"Shut up, nigga. That's all I needed to know. Heh heh heh." Riley laughed.

"Don't you want to know...?"

"Riley avoids learning as much as possible, because he says real niggas don't need information." Huey explained to Jazmine.

"Why would he say that?"

"Because he's an idiot."

"Hey! I can hear you! I'm a real nigga, but I ain't deaf!"

"Riley! Get more upset!" Jazmine said. "Let it all out!"

Riley scowled. Then he became calm. "No, I'm fine."

Huey raised his eyebrow, and turned to Jazmine. She triumphantly smiled.

"I remember you told me they don't follow instructions, either." Jazmine and Huey laughed.

"Okay, kids. Ready to take off?" Tom asked them from the passenger seat.

"Ehn." Huey responded.

"Yeah-yeah, whatever." Riley said, wanting the week to be over.

"Oh yes! Yes daddy! This is going to be one of the best weeks ever!" Jazmine said, happily.

Huey scanned her optimistic presence, her happiness was so genuine.

Robert started driving. He turned on the radio, but Jazmine started singing.

"I wanted a moment, I got a dream. I wanted a winner, I got the team.

You're sweet emotion, is clear as the deep aqua seas."

Riley slowly pulled his GDS out of his sleeve, and played it on mute.

Seeing that Riley and Jazmine were both preoccupied, Huey leaned his head against the headrest, and slept.


	3. Chapter 3

After an hour of driving, Huey woke up. Tom, and Robert were talking. Huey was confused. "W-Where are we now?"

"We're driving through the forest." Jazmine said, still excited. "This is one of the best parts!"

"Why?"

"Because of the bumps, and the sight seeing. Once I saw a herd of deer grazing! Oh! You should have been there Huey, it was beautiful!" Jazmine continued.

"How was your sleep?"

"It was alright, peaceful." He responded. They started talking, as usual.

Riley was gaming furiously.

"C-Come on! Come on you gay ass nigga!" Robert turned around briefly. To his surprise he saw, RIley reading a book. "Come on you gay ass nigga! Harold said, with rage. He stomped his foot against the floral carpet." RIley read.

"Hmm, that's more like it." Robert said. "Boy's getting the hang of it already."

Riley smiled wickedly as he hid his game behind one of Huey's books. RIley thought of himself as a genius. Fake reading was his thing!

Meanwhile, Jazmine and Huey were laughing over their conversation.

"So that's what happened! I thought so!" Jazmine said, Huey laughed again.

"Huey seems pretty happy, Robert." Tom said.

"I haven't seen him like that since I can't even remember! He's full of energy, and life. It's all thanks to Jazmine, you know. If she weren't here, he would be rambling on about how the government this, and agent that, and blah, blah, blah."

"Well it's good to see them getting along." Tom replied. He chuckled.

"What is it?"

"It's funny, how Huey, and Jazmine have a better relationship, than I have with Sarah. Look at them Robert." Tom looked through the corner of his eye, and saw the kids laughing, and talking.

"They're so happy together, true friends. Sarah won't even say goodbye to me when I leave for a week."

"Didn't you go over this when she was cheating on you with an usher? What movie theatre did she meet him?"

"Sarah never cheated on me, and she was talking to the singer Usher. And yes, you have set me up for 'counseling' with A Pimp Named Slickback before."

"Did it work?"

"Did it...yes, and no. I got beaten up by Usher's bodyguards, and Sarah didn't cheat on me. So there were some pros and cons."

"I have always said that marriage is never a good thing. Why don't you two just get divorced?"

"We're not getting a divorce."

"How about seperation?"

"Robert, I..."

"Tom, think about it! No fights, no obligations, you can share custody of Jazmine. If you stretched it, you two could be good friends, while you both live single lives."

Tom thought about it. "That's...valid. But I'm not leaving Sarah. No matter how, reasonable, and fun that sounds."

"Fine, it's your life." They turned their attention to the radio.

"And in other news..." The radio became garbled static.

"Danm it!" Grandad said, He turned the dial to other stations.

Garble

Garble

Garble

Garble

"That's what they want you to think." A deep, and calm voice said. "The end is coming, if you can't face that, then the government has succeeded in blinding you."

"What the hell is this?" Grandad asked.

"It's Gene Colomore. He's a conspiracy theorist." Huey explained. "I listen to his stuff now, and again."

"Did any of his advice guide you during the Fried Chicken flu?" Jazmine asked.

"Some of it." Huey replied.

"Fine. I'll keep it on since it's the only station we can get right now." Grandad said. "Danm New World Order bullshit." He grumbled.

"They already have their master plan: only the assests survive, the rest? Fuck 'em. We don't want any competiton. All these agents want to be in power, and remain there. When the end comes, them, and a small group of elite people will be standing. They don't want to have to compete with others they see as threats. That's why they're recruiting so many black men into the army, and planting drugs in the slums." Gene stated.

"Those working behind the scenes are planning our demise for us. When the end does come they obviously want more women. More desirable, sexy women. So they put up advertisements featuring dolled up, thin waisted broads to get women to want to change to become more attractive. So in the end, the elite group will have a lot to choose from."

The five listened attentively for the rest of the drive. Gene went into detail. He explained his theories, and his research. In that span of two hours, they all became completely consumed with the idea of...

"The end is neigh! The end is neigh!" Grandad shouted, once they got out of the car. He fell to his knees. "Oh Lord, please, I don't want to die!"

"All this time, I was scared of being anally raped!" Tom said, standing outside, and crying against the car. "When in reality, the government raped my mind!"

"No! We've got to get out of here! They should send us up to the moon! We'd be the first people to actually do it! Since the moon landing was probably FAKE!" Jazmine wailed, falling out of the car, and rolling on the ground.

"We've got to start over, man. Get off the grid! That society is some bullshit!" Riley exclaimed. "I say, we burn 'em all down! And take what's ours!" He got on the top of the car, he stood on the sun roof.

"Oh captain! My captain!" He shouted. "OH CAPTAIN! MY CAPTAIN!"

Huey was the last to get out of the car. He looked around him: Grandad was praying, Tom was crying over which rape to fear more, Jazmine was rolling on the ground, adding up the moon landings, and Riley looked like a mental patient, crossing the films "To sir with love." and "Braveheart."

He shrugged, and pulled out some parking money. He looked closely at his one dollar bill. He saw the eye.

"Man, this is some bullllshit." He said.


End file.
